hi. i just finished last week text for machinima movie trailer. and is of no interest anymore. [Edited by - Borkhan on November 23, 2006 11:00:31 AM]

You've picked a gritty, hardboiled tone which really, REALLY needs to be pitch-perfect if it's going to work at all. You've done fairly well, but there are some jarring bits which throw the whole thing off.

Quote:
War is for stupids. I know, I started one.

"Stupid" is not a noun.

Quote:
Some people ask, what war is good for?

The syntax here is all wrong. "Some people ask what war is good for" would be correct. "Some people ask, 'What is war good for?'" would also be correct.

Quote:
Where is war, people wanna get out.

"Where" is not used that way in english. "Where there is war" or "where there's war" would be correct.

Quote:
Out of freaking mobster war especially.

You're missing an article here; should be "out of a freaking mobster war". Also, "especially" would usually be found at the beginning of the sentence. But I think you mean "Especially if it's a freaking mobster war" rather than "they especially want to get out of the freaking mobster war".

Quote:
Everyone wants to flee today. To any land of yes broads and no jurisdiction.

That first sentence just sounds weird. "Flee" jars against the rest of the vocabulary. The second sentence is just corny enough to work, assuming you replace "jurisdiction" with a less academic-sounding word. Though... if people are fleeing because they're scared, are loose law and looser women really their primary concern?

Quote: And that’s the time when a getaway driver like me, can name his price.

Lose the comma.

Quote:
What I should add to the text is, that it is spoken by a gangster, a getaway driver, who is an Estonian immigrant. So, most of the grammatical and syntax errors are intentional.

In that case, it's good. I would definitely include a voice-over so that people "get" it.

Edit: I mean in the trailer, not the forum post. :)