This is a small teaser for a game project I'm working on, intended simply as a hook for the design document. I need to know if it succeeds, if it works, what could work better, etc. Just a general critique. *** ALERT. ALERT. The heads-up-display lights up, repeating those words over and over. ALERT. ALERT. Corporal Sullivan, donned in an odd combination of a military uniform and what looks like electrical equipment, quietly scans his area. Trees, trees... more trees. Sullivan was never comfortable with decidious forests; they played hell with the navigational systems and pathfinding and land nav were never his strong point to begin with. And now a random alert out of nowhere. This had better not be another bug or radar ghost or some shit, he thinks, annoyed. In the distance, a tremendous din breaks out. Sullivan recognizes it instantly. A tracked drone, something mounting heavy weapons, moving through a forested area, makes so much clamorous noise that it's almost impossible to hear or mistake it for anything else. The noise approaches faster. The crackling of trees being crushed under heavy weight fills the air as the ground shakes. Leaves from nearby conifers fly over, around, and at Sullivan, but never quite touch him. His shield shimmers slightly as, carefully, he edges closer. Though he can barely hear over the noise, the massive suspension of a Treadwell-class drone is unmistakable; its intricate network of gears, tracks, and axles is the only thing that can possibly move such a huge drone. The barrel of a two hundred millimeter cannon passes mere inches over Sullivan's head. Suddenly, he goes into a flying leap, grabbing the cannon's barrel and flinging himself on top of the drone. Sullivan clenches his legs around it to stabilize himself, knowing full well that if he shifts his weight just a fraction of a pound, he won’t be able to balance himself and stay in the robot's blind spot - and every enemy drone in the area will know exactly where he is. He pulls out his keyboard with one hand, and a tunneling device in the other. As he attaches the tunneling device to the surface of the drone's armor with a soft click, the drone shudders slightly. He begins to type, an impressive feat considering his precarious balancing act on top of the metal monster. Data fills Sullivan's HUD - locations of other drones, enemy terrain reconnaissance... and a woman in a foreign uniform, similarly equipped with electronic devices. She’s crouched behind a particularly large cypress tree and typing furiously on a laptop. He smiles slowly, and hops off the back of the Treadwell; he's got what he came for and the tunneling device will automatically mask him for the time he needs to get away. Sullivan runs away from the drone like the star runningback darting through the defensive line; one of the first things you learn at academy is that erratic running patterns help deceive enemy targeting scanners. He makes his way down a steep hill to a creek bed, long dried up, filled with dead leaves. Carefully looking from side to side, he lets out a sharp whistle. Three small gunmetal robots emerge from the piles of leaves, resembling mechanical tarantulas; if tarantulas were the size of lions, and had recoilless rifles mounted on their thorax. Wordlessly, he makes strange hand motions to the little robots, sending them each off in different directions. They skitter away quickly, off to do their jobs like good little drone clients. A blinking red light appears on his left arm. He darts his head from side to side, obviously disturbed. The rumbling of the Treadwell drone he had left in the distance is approaching again, and with much more of a purpose. With one hand, Sullivan begins typing, lines of code pouring down his HUD. ERR; CRITTERx3 OUT OF COMM RANGE. DISABLING CHAIN. "Shit!" he spits. Sullivan takes off in a full-out sprint, racing down the creek bed. *** At a small hill overlooking the creek bed, behind a large cypress tree, 3rd Lieutenant Kashian closes her laptop and takes out her rifle. She's got him right where she wants him. She clucks her tongue softly, shaking her head. A rookie mistake, running straight down a major terrain feature. Kashian raises her rifle at the enemy sysop, carefully aligning him in her iron sights. As she prepares to fire, the tree next to her shatters in fire and splinters, the blast knocking her off her feet. Instantly she shifts prone to the ground and rolls behind some concealment. Her shield sputters a bit and dims, but she remains uninjured. "Mask," she whispers urgently into her headset, "one hundred percent." The spider robots behind her look directly at her, then turn from side to side, apparently bewildered. Kashian slowly rises to a crouching position; then, gingerly, she shuffles around the three spiders. The spiders begin to walk around in a search pattern, obviously trying to get a bead on her again. She continues to move away from the spiders, all the while maintaining a death grip on her rifle. A green LED lights up on the right knuckle of her left hand, and a friendly chime comes through her headset. She pumps her arm triumphantly as the high-pitched whine of twin hover intakes begin to fill the air. "Mask off," Kashian says jubilantly. "Rocko, arm." The spider robots, formerly in the distance, begin skittering towards her. Kashian raises both her forearms parallel to the side of her heard. The green light begins blinking rapidly. Her headset beeps quickly three times, and she hears the mechanical, cold words she's been waiting for. "ROCKO READY." "Fire." The whine of the intakes become a terrible scream as a single large robot, appearing as a metal hawk with wings fully outstretched, penetrates through the canopy of the forest, its shadow passing over Kashian and towards the three spider robots. As she extends her right arm towards the robots, the hawk robot's wings slice through the trees, firing a massive volley of rockets towards the little spiders. The entire treeline erupts in fire and shrapnel, sending fragments of metal and burnt wood flying in all directions. A large piece of machinery whizzes past Kashian's head. Whipping her head around, she sees a piece of armor plate embedded in a nearby rock. Inspecting it, she recognizes its origin immediately. CRITTER DDS SYSTEMS 02392 Kashian lowers her rifle with a feral grin. So much for the pawns. Now it’s time to go for the king...

Well... a man an a woman are fighting a war using robots. That's about all I got out of it. I think a teaser is supposed to give you a glimpse of the fun stuff ahead, isn't it? Or maybe mention the main issue or problem of the story, or introduce an intriguing character? Some hook to catch the audience's curiosity and make them speculate about all the interesting things which might be in the rest of the game.

Well, first of all, you have good writing skills. Nevertheless, It doesn't seem complete. It seems like Chapter 1 of a thriller/adventure story.

And as previously stated, it doesn't really "tease" me. If this is a game, what does the game have? This would be an appropriate time and fashion to brag.

Keep up the good work.

If this was a quick movie teaser for a game, I'd definately have my curiosity piqued. The idea of being able to control robot droids would definately cross my mind, and the idea of the spider-bots would make me want to poke around the main site for any information on it, honestly.

I'd definately be interested, but that's just me.

I'm one of the people who watched the Super Smash Bros Brawl trailer for half an hour to an hour, then put it on repeat and listened to it in the background for a long while, so I think I'm just easily interested by games trailers... lol.

I really like your writing style, by the way ^_^

Thank you for your comments!

I want to post more, but I am unsure how good of an idea it is to post a lot of stuff at once here. That, and it's more design stuff than writing stuff, per se.

I'll say that the game itself isn't heavily reliant on plot, though introducing drama and narrative through gameplay has always been a goal of mine. If that's confusing, well, it is to me too. The vocabulary for this sort of discussion is kind of weird.

Just wanted to say that I liked it too. I think I can see what you are trying to achieve, and I think it's a good concept. I imagine this as a cerebral duel between two masters wielding all of the weapons at hand. The writing is a bit rough, so I look at this as a first draft. There are some sentence structures are awkward, forced, poor. But that's ok! The concept is more important. I can easily see this on a storyboard, it's quite visual, and I think it works well as a teaser. Now work on the writing.

ALERT. ALERT.

The heads-up-display lights up, repeating those words line after line.

ALERT. ALERT.

Corporal Sullivan, donned in an odd combination of a military uniform and what looks like electrical engineering equipment stands behind a large boulder. Quietly, he scans his area. Trees, trees... more trees. Bushes. A log.

"Where the hell is she?" Sullivan scowled, frustrated.

UNKNOWN COMMAND.

"Yeah, yeah."

The corporal was never comfortable with decidious forests; they played hell with the robot's navigational systems and pathfinding and land nav were never his strong points to begin with. And now a random alert out of nowhere.

This had better not be another bug or radar ghost or some shit, Sullivan thinks.

In the distance, a tremendous din breaks out. Sullivan crouches behind the boulder, recognizing it instantly. A tracked drone, something mounting heavy weapons, moving through a forested area, makes so much of a clamor that it’s almost impossible to hear or mistake it for anything else.

The noise approaches nearer. The crackling of trees being crushed under heavy weight fills the air as the ground shakes. Leaves from nearby conifers fly over, around, and at Sullivan, but never quite touch him. His shield shimmers slightly as, carefully, he edges closer.

Though he can barely hear over the noise, the massive suspension of a Treadwell-class drone is unmistakable; its intricate network of gears, tracks, and axles is the only thing that can possibly move such a huge drone. The barrel of a two hundred millimeter cannon passes mere inches over Sullivan's head.

Suddenly, he goes into a flying leap, grabbing the cannon's barrel and flinging himself on top of the drone. Sullivan clenches his legs around it to stabilize himself, knowing full well that if he shifts his weight just a fraction of a pound, he won’t be able to balance himself and stay in the robot's blind spot - and every enemy drone in the area will know exactly where he is. He pulls out his keyboard with one hand, and a tunneling device in the other.

As he attaches the tunneling device to the surface of the drone's armor with a soft click, the drone shudders slightly. He begins to type, an impressive feat considering his precarious balancing act on top of the metal monster. Data fills the corporal's HUD - locations of other drones, enemy terrain reconnaissance... and a woman in a foreign uniform, similarly equipped with electronic devices. She’s crouched behind a particularly large cypress tree and typing furiously on a laptop. He smiles slowly, and hops off the back of the Treadwell; he's got what he came for and the tunneling device will automatically mask him for the time he needs to get away.

The corporal runs away from the drone like the star runningback darting through the defensive line; one of the first things you learn at academy is that erratic running patterns help deceive enemy targeting scanners. He makes his way down a steep hill to a creek bed, long dried up, filled with dead leaves. Carefully looking from side to side, he lets out a sharp whistle.

Three small gunmetal robots emerge from the piles of leaves, resembling mechanical tarantulas; if tarantulas were the size of lions, and had recoilless rifles mounted on their thorax. Wordlessly, Sullivan makes strange hand motions to the little robots, sending them each off in different directions. They skitter away quickly, off to do their jobs like good little drone clients.

A blinking red dot lights up on his left arm. His eyes shift down to it urgently. Darting his head from side to side, he grabs his sidearm, obviously disturbed. The rumbling of the Treadwell drone he had left in the distance is approaching again, and with much more of a purpose. With one hand, the corporal begins typing, lines of code pouring down his HUD.

ERR; CRITTERx3 OUT OF COMM RANGE. DISABLING CHAIN.

"Shit!" he spits. Sullivan takes a deep breath and bursts into a full-out sprint, racing down the creek bed and away from the source of the danger- but the crunch of treads flattening trees and vegetation is not far behind.

***

At a small hill overlooking the creek bed, behind a large cypress tree, 3rd Lieutenant Kashian carefully closes her laptop. She's got him right where she wants him. She clucks her tongue softly, shaking her head. A rookie mistake, running straight down a major terrain feature.

And in the field, it's a deadly one, Kashian reflects.

The lieutenant raises her rifle at the enemy sysop, carefully aligning him in her iron sights. She exhales sharply to steady her aim, and puts her finger on the trigger -

Suddenly, the tree next to her shatters in fire and splinters, the blast knocking her off her feet. Instantly she shifts prone to the ground and rolls behind the concealment of some nearby bushes. Strangely unperturbed, she pokes her head up. One of the spiderbots not forty meters away notices and points its weapon directly at her.

More explosions rock the area around her as she crawls away. Her shield sputters a bit and dims, but she remains uninjured.

The skittering sound of the spiderbots edges menacingly closer. "Mask," she whispers urgently into her headset, "one hundred percent."

The spiderbots suddenly stop in their tracks. Their ovoid heads cock to the left, ever so slightly. They look from side to side, slowly ambling about the area, apparently completely bewildered, before simply just walking away. Kashian slowly rises to a crouching position; then, gingerly, she shuffles through the three spiders, all completely ignoring her presence. In short order, they begin walking in a concentric search pattern, obviously trying to get a bead on her again.

She continues to move away from the spiders, all the while maintaining a tight grip on her weapon. A green LED lights up on the right knuckle of her left hand, and a friendly chime comes through her headset. She pumps her arm triumphantly as the high-pitched whine of twin hover intakes begin to fill the air.

"Mask off,"" Kashian grins jubilantly. "Rocko, arm."

The spider robots, formerly in the distance, begin skittering towards her. Kashian raises both her forearms parallel to the side of her head, her eyes fixed. As the green light begins blinking rapidly, the lieutenant's headset beeps an atonal melody, followed by a cold, digital voice. "ROCKO READY."

Music to my ears. "Fire."

The whine of the intakes becomes a terrible scream as a single large robot, appearing as a metal hawk with wings fully outstretched, penetrates through the canopy of the forest, its shadow passing over the lieutenant and towards the three spider robots. As she extends her right arm towards the robots, the hawk robot's wings slice through the trees, firing a massive volley of rockets towards the little spiders. The entire treeline erupts in fire and shrapnel, sending fragments of metal and burnt wood flying in all directions.

A large piece of machinery whizzes past Kashian's head. Whipping her head around, she sees a piece of armor plate embedded in a nearby rock. Inspecting it, she recognizes its origin immediately.

"CRITTER" DDS SYSTEMS 02312

Kashian lowers her rifle slowly, her shoulders slumping with relief. So much for the pawns. Now it’s time to go for the king...

Yes the story line is quite interesting.
The detail is imagintive.
Is there any art work or concepts of the characters you are writing on?
What other ideas are you working on that will help the story move along?

Keep up the writing skills.