just an idea i had wondering what other ppl thought heres a link just navgate around the website.. http://ganlord.tripod.com/swords_and_spellbooks/index.html how do you link here again?

Swords and Spellbooks

Your introduction is plain, it doesn't convey the depth of the story. You have some plans, mysteries, and surprises for the player, but you can't take the player's faith as a given. A player sees a description with the initial inertia that the game is boring. Your intro needs to break that as fast as possible.

You had the intention to get the player's attention. Your hook was the unexpected assault. But it was a weak hook. There are ways to fix it without changing the content. The two major weaknesses of your presentation is that the assailant showed up for too long, and the assault was too dragged on. You allowed the reader to build up defense instead of suspense, and that was undesirable.

The way you described the event of the dagger stab was too plain and too long. It had no color of confusion and suddenness. The way you described it, was as if the main charactered stared at the coming dagger and didn't bother to dodge, although you were trying to describe the very opposite. It is a descrepancy between the event you described and the effect a reader get from the presentation.

I see very honest and straightforward. O well I guess ill have to work on it some more.

If you may permit me Doom-Box I read over your plot and made some corrections to your writing that I think you should address as it is.

Quote:

"Stop there you greiken froskiiir" You turn your head behind you, as you do not seem [to] understand the mans tounge, to see a man dressed in a black cloak with a hood over his head so as you are not to see him. There are supprisingly no holes or patches anywhere to be found on his cloak. He appearently [was quiet wealthy] "What!" You reply. The man sneers and you see his pearly white teeth [,] though your attention is quickly taken [,] as the man pulls out a dagger from his side and thrusts it [towards] you so quickly his cloak [doesn't] even move. The next thing you remember...... You are awakened by a dwarf you have never seen before.[ ]You are inside of a wagon with some sort of a canvas over the top to prevent the constanst downfall of rain. There are boxes and crates everywhere all of which have locks and such on them. there is[ ]a single lantern in the center of the wagon and at the front where the dwarf is riding directing the [horse] with his leather reins. The dwarf is a stout type as all dwarfs are, he has long red hair done into two ponytails. He dons no armor nor [bears] any form of arms appearent to the naked eye.[] [T]he dwarf tells you his name is Drenen you notice his bright blue but still somehow faded blue shirt with a [brown] pair of pants rolled up and tucked [into] his boots, so that they do not hang over the feet. The boots are a faded form of black [leather] with torn laces. Drenen claims that he [had] found you at the side of the road, and as he passed he found it upon himself to pull you into his cart and out of the rain. Though at this point [you're] not sure how much your willing to trust him. He explains that you were bleeding badly till he mended your wounds with some form of magic. He then tells you that had he of left you out there [to] much longer [he's] not sure you would have lived []. He then points out that he found a strange dagger, a note along with a dagger with strange emblems [among] them, and a map. The dwarf hands you the items and you observe them..[. ]The dagger resembles that of the one [that] belonging to the man [in] the dream. You cant seem to recognize the language of the note. You point out the note to the dwarf he says "No [sorry]" as he continues to guide the horse without even looking back. "I can't seem to read it either". "But I may know someone who can." "To Trenar!," he shouts and puts his arm forth. The [adventurer] rides along with Drenen but what [will] happen from there is up to you........

There are a lot of other things that I could add to this I will just mention a couple of them. The word choice in the beginning does not make it easy to read if this is the first things that the player is going to read. You also might want to consider splitting the second paragraph up a bit since it is descriptive and as such will take longer to read. You need to watch your tense make sure that you use the past tense when you are speaking of something that happened in the past. And work on your spelling, spell checker is your friend if you know how to use it. The story could be captivating I think if you add a sense of fear to the adventurer. Also toward the end there where you mention the dwarf guiding the horse without looking. Horses are not like cars they don't just go in the direction you point them even if they have blinds on their eyes they can see in front of them.

[Edit: The download doesn't work you might want to host it somewhere else other than tripod or try a zip or rar with the exe inside it.]

Ill fix the download as soon as I can. I plan to fix the story later today. If there are any other opinions or ideas than please let me know.