here you go: *knock* *knock* “Yes? Come in.” You open the door. “I was told you wanted to see me Mr. President,” you say, “Something about a mission out west?” “Ah Dirk, yes. I need you to go to the county of Allenwood on the next train,” say the President. “Allenwood? Mr. President, with all due respect, I’ve heard of this county. Allenwood is a small county out west. Other than a small town, there isn’t much out there. What need could there possible be for me out there?” you ask. “That is what you’re going out there to find out Dirk. Over the past few months there have been a large number of strange happenings out there; reports of strange animals of some sort, people disappearing without a trace, and other reports to impossible to believe. Three other operatives have already disappeared on this mission. Dirk, you’re the best agent the S.A.U. (Special Assignment Unit) has ever seen; and if there was ever a mission we needed you for, this is it. Pickup your train ticket from my assistant outside my office; leave as soon as possible.” “Understood Mr. President; I’ll leave at once,” you say. “Very good Dirk, you are dismissed. Good Luck. Oh, Mr. Smith, in the future, please, no mud on your boots, it destroys the carpet,” Says the President. this is for a game i've been working on. it is a zelda (old school 2d zelda, link to the past) like game, but set in the old west. [Edited by - CJWR on July 20, 2005 6:18:16 AM]

i like most of it, but some parts i think could be changed for the better..

don't announce what the player will find out soon enough with so much detail, "small town" is perfectly fine. why would he go into detail to explain what the town is like when the president already knows? and if it's going to be a Zelda-esque 2d game, i expect the speech to be only a few lines at a time - it's extra clicking for the player.

his name. you've used the word "west" enough in this dialogue already.

you switch the county name between "Allentown" and "Allenwood." i like Allenwood better. "Allentown" sounds like it would be the name of a.. well, town.

it certainly sounds interesting! i look forward to more.

Is there any progress on the game itself to see? I don't know whether you want the writing to be an integral part of the game. For the old Zelda games, I remember only caring about the dialogue for getting information.

That having been said, I was not too impressed with the intro. It feels like I've read practically the same script before in other games. The "Wild West" theme is not the problem, just the implementation. You may not want to worry about the script right now until you have most of the actual game accomplished. (Of course, I don't know how much you've done already!)

Quote: Original post by oscinis
you switch the county name between "Allentown" and "Allenwood." i like Allenwood better. "Allentown" sounds like it would be the name of a.. well, town.

ROFL, thats because i go to "Allentown" all the time. it is where i got the idea for Allenwood as a matter of fact.

Quote: Original post by Gehazi
Is there any progress on the game itself to see? I don't know whether you want the writing to be an integral part of the game. For the old Zelda games, I remember only caring about the dialogue for getting information.

That having been said, I was not too impressed with the intro. It feels like I've read practically the same script before in other games. The "Wild West" theme is not the problem, just the implementation. You may not want to worry about the script right now until you have most of the actual game accomplished. (Of course, I don't know how much you've done already!)

i have about 60% of the game working. as well as a map editer for it. i hoping to release a beta demo thing in a few weeks.

this is going to be a screen telling you the back story before you actually start playing. You start playing on the train, when it is being robbed.

here are a few screen shots of the early train (programmer graphics atm):

Screen Shot 1
Screen Shot 2
Screen Shot 3

How about:

player:"You wanted to see me Mr. President?"
Pres:"Ah! Good! You are finaly back from Spain...We have a problem."
Player:"Yes, I heard the SAU lost a couple of agents."
Pres:"Three agents, to be precise...All of them were on the same case."
Player:"I'm sorry to hear that sir."
Pres:"Yes, it is most unfortunete...And why I requested you return imeadiately. I need my best agent on this."
Player:"Understood, what would you like me to do?"
Pres:"My secretary has a train ticket with your name on it. Head out west to Allenwood county and investigate the strange happenings reported there."
Player:"...There isn't much in Allenwood. What sort of strange events have been reported?"
Pres:"There is little information to go on...Sightings of unusual animals...people dissapearing without a trace...We have sense lost contact."
Player:"Interesting. I'll pick up the train ticket from your secretary and be on my way."
Pres:"Thank you, and godspeed to you...Next time we meet, mind your shoes. The mud stains the carpet."


Mentioning the three lost agents lastly (as you did) seems to greatly reduce thier involvement...comes across as "by the way", rather than the paramount detail worth mentioning...further, by not hinting as to why three nameless agents had to die before the pres decides to get his best agent on the case really cheapens the involvement of the three agents...if the three agents are that unimportant (as you hinted) then it would be best to leave them completely out of the story.

Unless this game is set 2000 years ago, don't use "ancient" (which is spelled wrong in your screenshots, by the way). Don't use "The Old West," either, because that's very generic.

Change the SAU to the Pinkerton Detective Agency (google it). If you have a historical setting, it helps to have some connection to real history.

Why is the President (of the US, I assume) giving out this assignment personally?

Why do you say Allenwood is a county? Why not just make it an isolated town? It seems awkward as it is.

So far, this seems pretty similar to Resident Evil 4.

[Edited by - Lysander on July 27, 2005 5:04:56 PM]

Quote: Original post by CJWR
here you go:

*knock* *knock*
“Yes? Come in.”
You open the door. “I was told you wanted to see me Mr. President,” you say, “Something about a mission out west?”
“Ah Dirk, yes. I need you to go to the county of Allenwood on the next train,” say the President.
“Allenwood? Mr. President, with all due respect, I’ve heard of this county. Allenwood is a small county out west. Other than a small town, there isn’t much out there. What need could there possible be for me out there?” you ask.
“That is what you’re going out there to find out Dirk. Over the past few months there have been a large number of strange happenings out there; reports of strange animals of some sort, people disappearing without a trace, and other reports to impossible to believe. Three other operatives have already disappeared on this mission. Dirk, you’re the best agent the S.A.U. (Special Assignment Unit) has ever seen; and if there was ever a mission we needed you for, this is it. Pickup your train ticket from my assistant outside my office; leave as soon as possible.”
“Understood Mr. President; I’ll leave at once,” you say.
“Very good Dirk, you are dismissed. Good Luck. Oh, Mr. Smith, in the future, please, no mud on your boots, it destroys the carpet,” Says the President.

this is for a game i've been working on. it is a zelda (old school 2d zelda, link to the past) like game, but set in the old west.

The biggest flaws Ive noticed are that the main character has heard of this county "out west" ... why? Do you know how many small towns I have never heard about in the west? And Im from there! There's also several grammatical errors. The comma before Mr. President, saying "with all due respect" before introducing a clause that does not seem to provide any disrespect, the semi-colon before the list of strange happenings, the semi-colon before the and after introducing the SAU, Pickup = truck "Pick up" = verb; transient; to obtain.

Take these issues into account along with the storyline issues discussed above.

Have the President give away some unusual detail about the mission that will inspire the players curiosity. Some rumor he's heard that demonstrates how severe the situation actually is.