The following is the prologue for the game in my sig. I’m sure my writing format isn’t that great, but what do you think about the storyline? ------------------------- The History of the Realm of Virogar After the Great War the predominate factions of Dirospear, Stergia, and Urkayuh have made a peace pact to ensure such a horrific war would never happen again. Over the next few centuries the factions enjoyed peace, prosperity, and cooperation until the emergence of a vile necromancer named Voge Drife. After seizing power in Stergia, the necromancer summoned the dreaded Lord of Bones to help wage a new war on Urkayuh and Dirospear. The Savior of Virogar Voge’s undead army ravaged the lands of Dirospear and Urkayuh with the only purposes of plundering, killing, and torturing, accepting no surrender. The two factions were greatly battered and worn down and had no chance of defeating the Undead Army themselves. The assault, however, was so bloody and malicious it had attracted the attention of an entity known as Krith. As Powerful and he was Benign, Krith had destroyed the undead army and killed the great necromancer to restore peace on Virogar. Due to The Lord Bones’ keen foresight he had escaped the fate of Voge and the rest of the undead army by going into hiding upon Krith’s arrival. The aftermath of the war had brought upon a curse to Stergia that not even Krith himself could lift. The soils of the lands extended from Urkayuh to Dirospear had been so badly tainted that farming any crop was nearly impossible. The two cities would have been plagued by massive famine if not for benevolence of Krith. Food and Harmony would be provided by Krith. The only think asked in return was that no Orc or Dentha would ever step foot on Stergia again. Krith’s departure All looked well for Virogar, until suddenly one day all traces of Krith had seemed to have vanished. With nobody to provide food or ensure peace, relations among Orcs and Denthas escalated into violent confrontations. Although no war has yet been declared by Dirospear and Urkayuh, mob lynchings were common on both sides. Mindful of Krith’s teachings, the leaders of the factions did their best to promote peace and tolerance among each other, but survival instincts and prejudice made it exceedingly difficult for the two races to get along. Urkayuh’s Revolution A few years after Krith’s departure a new wave of prejudice among Orcs lead to the uprising of a new tyrant named Urvok Zafgh. Urvok preached that the only way for the Orcs to advance was with the extermination of the Dentha race and to extend Urkayuh to Stergia and Dirospear. Urvok had murdered the former Orc Master and fed his body to a loyal group of followers. Urkayuh had declared war on Dirospear and set out to colonize Stergia. On the arrival of Stergia, however, the Orcs had made a startling discover; the lord of bones had returned with a new army of skeletons ready to seek out the dominion of Virogar. It should be noted, however, that the Orcs are not inherently evil. In fact, if you search long enough, you may find one that is lonely and perhaps just needs a hug. Dirospear’s new champion Because the Orcs were unwilling to forge an alliance with the Denthas in order to defeat the skeletal army, Dirospear was now at war with both Stergia and Urkayuh. Due to corruption and unorganized power struggles within Dirospear’s government, the faction was unable to organize an effective army do defend the city. Dirospear’s only hope was to organize a mass prayer to grab Krith’s attention. The Denthas relentlessly pleaded and begged until the deity like being finally reappeared. Krith had explained that he could no longer waste his strength protecting Virogar due to a massive external threat. He would, however, provide Dirospear with a new champion that could help defeat the Skeletal and Orcish army. The lord of Bones The lord of bones is a demon from hell that can only be summoned by the most powerful of necromancers. Once killed, the Lord of Bones can never return to the realm in which he died, but there are other worlds with many different necromancers…

Okay, I'm not a good judge of fantasy stories, so take what I say with a grain of salt. Your story has promise but you're relying on what feels like a few deus ex machinas, which make the story disjointed.

One thing I'd like to see you strive for is something that unites beginning with ending so that the events that start the prologue strongly link to the events that end it. I'll explain below:

Quote: Original post by ManaStone
After the Great War the predominate factions of Dirospear, Stergia, and Urkayuh have made a peace pact to ensure such a horrific war would never happen again.

This isn't clear. First I assumed these were all human cities, but below it seems like some are Orc?

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Over the next few centuries the factions enjoyed peace, prosperity, and cooperation until the emergence of a vile necromancer named Voge Drife.

This works, but as it stands really happens for no reason. It's fine to just have a character pop up (got to start somewhere), but it would be cool if this either related to the war or the burying of the mass dead somehow. You have a mechanism of prayer in the story, maybe the people did something that allowed seals to be broken on the mass graves?

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The Savior of Virogar
Voge’s undead army ravaged the lands of Dirospear and Urkayuh with the only purposes of plundering, killing, and torturing, accepting no surrender. The two factions were greatly battered and worn down and had no chance of defeating the Undead Army themselves. The assault, however, was so bloody and malicious it had attracted the attention of an entity known as Krith.

Why didn't he show up to bail them out in the Great War? Again, feels like he just pops up because you want him to (a deus ex). Since you're using mass prayer later, maybe you could introduce divine intercession here?

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As Powerful and he was Benign, Krith had destroyed the undead army and killed the great necromancer to restore peace on Virogar. Due to The Lord Bones’ keen foresight he had escaped the fate of Voge and the rest of the undead army by going into hiding upon Krith’s arrival.

The aftermath of the war had brought upon a curse to Stergia that not even Krith himself could lift.

Again, this happens for no reason. Consider tightening this by relating it to something the Lord of Bones or Voge does.

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The soils of the lands extended from Urkayuh to Dirospear had been so badly tainted that farming any crop was nearly impossible. The two cities would have been plagued by massive famine if not for benevolence of Krith. Food and Harmony would be provided by Krith. The only think asked in return was that no Orc or Dentha would ever step foot on Stergia again.

If you make the Orcs mindless killing machines, I've no problem with this. But if you want to make them sympathetic then Krith comes off as a racist. Now you could make the Orcs sympathetic by making them spreaders of disease or the curse, in which case it's a practical matter. But if not, Krith is like a foreigner hating Jesus.

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Krith’s departure
All looked well for Virogar, until suddenly one day all traces of Krith had seemed to have vanished. With nobody to provide food or ensure peace, relations among Orcs and Denthas escalated into violent confrontations.

Confusion here: I'm assuming Denthas are humans? This is the first time you introduce them.

Also, this is high time for the Lord of Bones to get crackin' (uh, sorry[grin]). He's a demon, his main rival is gone, and it's a great time to start raising hell! (okay, I'll stop...[lol]

Seriously, when you introduce a major character and fail to use him/her/it at critical moments, it makes that character pointless (or reduces their value).

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Although no war has yet been declared by Dirospear and Urkayuh, mob lynchings were common on both sides.

This is where I got the idea that the above cities / territories were orc and human, btw. Otherwise, who's lynching who?

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Mindful of Krith’s teachings, the leaders of the factions did their best to promote peace and tolerance among each other, but survival instincts and prejudice made it exceedingly difficult for the two races to get along.

Why not let the Lord of Bones be the cause of havock behind the scenes, maybe framing one side or the other for missing children, burned grain silos and attacked caravans? Maybe undead first work covertly, in cloaks at the dead of night, because they're too weak to do anything else.

Also, with the curse still on, how are these people surviving now that Krith is gone?

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Urkayuh’s Revolution
A few years after Krith’s departure a new wave of prejudice among Orcs lead to the uprising of a new tyrant named Urvok Zafgh. Urvok preached that the only way for the Orcs to advance was with the extermination of the Dentha race and to extend Urkayuh to Stergia and Dirospear.

My problem with this is that it's predictable. Slightly less predictable would be if the humans did this, or if there were some sort of secret orc-human alliance of arms merchants starting a war to get rich or whatever.

Do you really need this character? Again, if you don't use him again in important ways, then he's just a "so what" that pops up without reason.

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Urvok had murdered the former Orc Master and fed his body to a loyal group of followers. Urkayuh had declared war on Dirospear and set out to colonize Stergia. On the arrival of Stergia, however, the Orcs had made a startling discover; the lord of bones had returned with a new army of skeletons ready to seek out the dominion of Virogar.

On second thought, because of this, maybe you could surprise readers by making Urvok suddenly do something good, such as realize the two sides have to work together. So that this doesn't mess up your story direction, you could have all his people wiped out, make him be so terrorized by the experience that he has a change of heart, and then have him somehow warn both sides. This would help you show (rather than tell) how the Orcs are not all evil. It would be more meaningful, as well, if it was tied to a major event that swings the story one way or another.

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It should be noted, however, that the Orcs are not inherently evil. In fact, if you search long enough, you may find one that is lonely and perhaps just needs a hug.

Be careful about being silly, though. People don't massacre other people because they need a hug (you were likely being funny, I know, but keep that out of the story unless its a comedy moment)

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Dirospear’s new champion
Because the Orcs were unwilling to forge an alliance with the Denthas in order to defeat the skeletal army, Dirospear was now at war with both Stergia and Urkayuh. Due to corruption and unorganized power struggles within Dirospear’s government, the faction was unable to organize an effective army do defend the city.

Darn! See this would be a cool place to have a hybrid Denthan-Orc squad of saviors, who maybe don't trust each other but have to work hard to get something dramatic done. Oh well...

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Dirospear’s only hope was to organize a mass prayer to grab Krith’s attention. The Denthas relentlessly pleaded and begged until the deity like being finally reappeared. Krith had explained that he could no longer waste his strength protecting Virogar due to a massive external threat.

When you create events in a story you want to try to make the reader see that they were coming, but not realize it (like a mystery, you should have known it was the butler if you'd thought about it, and this creates a satisfying "oh, so that's why that happened!")

But unfortunately you've again got Krith dealing with something out of nowhere. This other threat seems incidental, which makes it artificial. Could you somehow either tie the Lord of Bones or a Voge or any of your other events in here to occupy Krith? If not, try to foreshadow that it will happen earlier (maybe by saying that a prophecy holds that Krith could only stay a certain time) Otherwise, it's just tacked on.

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He would, however, provide Dirospear with a new champion that could help defeat the Skeletal and Orcish army.

I know you mean for this to be the player, but why didn't he just do this in the first place and save his strength for the battle ages ago?'

This needs something else, but I'm not sure exactly what.

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The lord of Bones
The lord of bones is a demon from hell that can only be summoned by the most powerful of necromancers. Once killed, the Lord of Bones can never return to the realm in which he died, but there are other worlds with many different necromancers…

This is cool, he gets banished but not destroyed. WIth such a cool character, it's a waste not to use him more effectively.

Thanks for reviewing my storyline, it has given me a lot to think about.

Quote: Original post by Wavinator
This isn't clear. First I assumed these were all human cities, but below it seems like some are Orc?

Actually, there are no humans in this.

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Why didn't he show up to bail them out in the Great War? Again, feels like he just pops up because you want him to (a deus ex). Since you're using mass prayer later, maybe you could introduce divine intercession here?

Good point. If he was attracted to the violence caused by the necromancer, I guess he should have been attracted to the Great War, but my original intent was that he just suddenly discovers the world. Krith is like Q from Star Trek, but he isn’t omnipotent. Basically, he travels around and keeps tabs on certain planets. Most of his effort goes into making sure others from his race aren’t trying to conquer planets and such.

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If you make the Orcs mindless killing machines, I've no problem with this. But if you want to make them sympathetic then Krith comes off as a racist. Now you could make the Orcs sympathetic by making them spreaders of disease or the curse, in which case it's a practical matter. But if not, Krith is like a foreigner hating Jesus.

The Orcs and Denthas are pretty much the two main races. What I meant to say is that he didn’t want anyone on that land. Just going onto the land could potentially transform a living being into undead.

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Confusion here: I'm assuming Denthas are humans? This is the first time you introduce them.

Also, this is high time for the Lord of Bones to get crackin' (uh, sorry[grin]). He's a demon, his main rival is gone, and it's a great time to start raising hell! (okay, I'll stop...[lol]

Seriously, when you introduce a major character and fail to use him/her/it at critical moments, it makes that character pointless (or reduces their value).

Basically he is in exile and still trying to build his army covertly. He doesn’t realize Krith is gone until after the Orcs step onto Stergia.

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This is where I got the idea that the above cities / territories were orc and human, btw. Otherwise, who's lynching who?

The Orcs are lynching the Denthas and the Denthas are lynching the Orcs. Basically, it is mutual racism.

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Why not let the Lord of Bones be the cause of havock behind the scenes, maybe framing one side or the other for missing children, burned grain silos and attacked caravans? Maybe undead first work covertly, in cloaks at the dead of night, because they're too weak to do anything else.

Good idea

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Also, with the curse still on, how are these people surviving now that Krith is gone?

They can still grow crops and hunt for wild life, but it is just a lot harder to do now with the curse. Most of the wild life has been killed and the crops are hard to grow.

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My problem with this is that it's predictable. Slightly less predictable would be if the humans did this, or if there were some sort of secret orc-human alliance of arms merchants starting a war to get rich or whatever.


Do you really need this character? Again, if you don't use him again in important ways, then he's just a "so what" that pops up without reason.

Basically he is just there to turn the orcs into bad guys and justifying fighting them in the game.

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On second thought, because of this, maybe you could surprise readers by making Urvok suddenly do something good, such as realize the two sides have to work together. So that this doesn't mess up your story direction, you could have all his people wiped out, make him be so terrorized by the experience that he has a change of heart, and then have him somehow warn both sides. This would help you show (rather than tell) how the Orcs are not all evil. It would be more meaningful, as well, if it was tied to a major event that swings the story one way or another.

Originally I was thinking of skipping the whole Orc-nazi revolution and just make it so each side is just fighting each other. The undead would be the only ones inherently evil and the only way to win would be for the player to from an alliance with the Orcs, only the player wouldn’t know this is an option and would have to go through different dialog options to do this.

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Be careful about being silly, though. People don't massacre other people because they need a hug (you were likely being funny, I know, but keep that out of the story unless its a comedy moment)

This is an Easter egg in the game. We decided that there would be a small probably that when an Orc Spawns, he will be named “bob the lonely orc.” We also have another Easter egg where an orc might be named by a former member of the team who was really annoying and hard to deal with.

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When you create events in a story you want to try to make the reader see that they were coming, but not realize it (like a mystery, you should have known it was the butler if you'd thought about it, and this creates a satisfying "oh, so that's why that happened!")

But unfortunately you've again got Krith dealing with something out of nowhere. This other threat seems incidental, which makes it artificial. Could you somehow either tie the Lord of Bones or a Voge or any of your other events in here to occupy Krith? If not, try to foreshadow that it will happen earlier (maybe by saying that a prophecy holds that Krith could only stay a certain time) Otherwise, it's just tacked on.

This is a key event for a couple other games I plan to make in the distant future. The whole idea is that when this event happens every world under his protection goes to shit. There are two main game ideas I have fleshed out for this. One is an RTS involving Krith battling others of his race. Then I have an elaborate story line following the results of the RTS, but I no idea how I can transform it into a game.

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I know you mean for this to be the player, but why didn't he just do this in the first place and save his strength for the battle ages ago?'

This wasn’t too much of concern for him at this time. He had no idea of the event that would happen and by the time it did happen he would have already regained his strength. At that point it would have been easier to do it himself.

Thanks for the critique! It was very helpful. Btw, have you played my game yet?