Greetings Everyone =) My Name is Raymond Jacobs, Some of you may know me from the Morning's Wrath Project. Lately, as we get closer and closer to the release of MW, I have been getting more and more insprited as to what 'my' next game (not neccisarily the EDI Game's next game) will be, and recently I came up with an idea, and I figured that I had to write it down else it would be lost. Given that Ideas are a dime-a-dozen I am not worried about listing my Idea here, and in fact it might help to make it better. So, I submit to you, about 1/64 of an adventure game story: I would like your comments and criticisim, mainly on my style of writing and how I could improve it, and weither or not you find the story somewhat intriguing. So, I present to the GameDev writing community, a few scenes of...

Dakota Smith and the Tomb of Diamonds:

Dakota Smith and the Tomb of Diamonds By Raymond Jacobs, 3/18/2005 The date: March 30th 1995 The place: Notuckset Peninsula, Rhode Island Main Character(s): -Dakota Smith: Treasure seeker/adventurer, historian -Natalie Hall: Historical Society appointed Archeologist Act1: Scene1: Wealth and Renown The setting: Motel Room, March 30th 1995 7:15 AM I am not sure exactly when I had made up my mind to be a treasure hunter. Perhaps it was the drudgery of working at the Rainsville historical society, or perhaps I had read about the excavation of Tut’s tomb once too many times, while dreaming of my own Wealth and Renown. The local newspaper was a week old, and it’s blaring headline read, “Archeologist missing in pursuit of prize”, it was because of this ill news that I was here. Natalie Hall, a local archeologist, had been investigating the recent findings that had arisen at the Crowton Estate. William Crowton, who died in 1920, had become very rich from overseas diamond mining. Having not heir to carry on his legacy, Crowton left everything to the Notuckset Historical Society. Though there was something strange about the estate, while there was a great deal of money left, $500,000.00 to be exact, there was no trace of the vast collection of diamond that Crowton was said to have personally kept. The historical society went over the estate with a fine-tooth comb in search for the valuables, but they were never found. Recent events at the Crowton estate re-kindled thoughts about the diamond collection, and where it might be hidden. A restoration and study of the Crowton graveyard, which lies on the estate, yielded an accidental finding. Apparently due to shifting over the years, the edges of a floor panel in Crowton’s tomb had become visible once the dust and dirt of the ages was removed. After gaining permission from the historical society, Natalie led a team of three junior archeologists down into the cavity under the tomb. Their findings were immediate; several candle holders of gold and silver were found in alcoves in this antechamber. This chamber also supposedly contained a door with strange devices upon it, that lead to who knows where. Natalie continued to lead her team down for two more weeks, to further inspect the door and recover and document other artifacts, until one day they never came back. After getting wind of these events, I contacted the historical society. Being a historian myself, they were quick to give me permission to the site, and to investigate the disappearance that has left local investigators baffled, and to further investigate the secrets that wait in the subterranean chamber. Just then a knock occurred at my door, a large woman with her hair in curlers was declaring my wake-up call, which had come an hour late. Thankfully I tend to wake early when I am anxious. I picked up my pack and my hat. I took a moment to observe the items, both well worn, they had been with me on many adventures, cave crawls and woodland treks, all of which had lead me nothing but disappointment and back pain. I donned the items and walked out the door, happy to be free of the room. Act1: Scene2: The road to destiny The setting: Motel parking lot, March 30th 1995 8:15 AM It was cold; March was going out like a lion, though there was little snow on the ground. It was just cold, that New England kind of cold, a damp, wet cold. There was a thin mist and it seemed as if the winter had sucked the color out of life, leaving only a black and white picture. The only indication of color was the two cars in the deep rutted dirt lot, in one space, the dull blue compact, and in another, my dull green pickup. I had driven a mid-size before, however, after getting stuck in the mud time after time I resigned to an ungainly though more functional tool. I liked my pickup, though it did not quite portray me as a historian, it had a cover on the back, and it had a large suspension with large deep-tread tires, perfect for navigating the all too common pits where my obsessions would lead me (and for that matter leave me). I got in and turned the engine over. It was a diesel and afforded me a lot of power, I also liked the sound of a diesel engine, it appealed to my machismo side I guess. I pulled out of the lot, and headed east onto the dirt road the soft suspension made short work of the craters and pits. Act1: Scene3: The deathly cold of stone The setting: Crowton Estate, March 30th 1995 9:20 AM “Late again…” I muttered to myself, as I looked at my wristwatch, and approached the locked Crowton Estate gate. I couldn’t even blame the late wake-up call that came in vain. I had underestimated the distance and should have afforded myself ample time. I guessed I could consider it being fashionably late, however, given my vehicle and outward appearance, I don’t think it would come off as such. I was wearing a pear of dirty jeans, stained shirt and ripped jacket, and I knew that first impressions would be rough, though once conversation would begin they would see the important side of me. [Edited by - EDI on March 19, 2005 9:09:35 AM]

The mad scientist at work again [smile] I think it sounds good, but it does give me a feeling of a "Tomb Raider" themed story. So I guess the most important thing is do you know what the 'twists' are that you could take with this? I think you can take any story and throw in a few wrenches and it can come out quite crazy, yet awesome. Also, is Dakota Smith a guy or girl? I know you said ..it appealed to my machismo side I guess... but we could be talking about a one of those women that, are well like Lara Croft [wink].

Dakota Smith is a guy,

and this story is esentially a 'more in-depth' Indiana Jones story.

so there will be traps, and puzzles, and riddles, and treasure, and women who need saving, etc.

as far as adventure games go, is will be somewhat structured as Indiana Jones and the fate of Atlantis was, however, it will likely be darker, and will use character models like that of Morning's Wrath, so, more life-like.

One of the twists, I guess, is that while Tomb Raider, has action and shooting, this game pits the player's wits against everything.

How DO you get passed the whirling blade with nothing bug a jug of kerosine, a piece of rope, and a chewed piece of juciy-fruit?

While you will be able to die in the game, you wont be able to do somthing stupid, and render the game un-beatable.

The game will likely be constructed as a vertical labarynth, wherein each level of it, requires a number of non-linear puzzles to be solved, in order to get to the next.

all just preliminary, and I can't hope to start work on this until MW is selling, and I have decided what the next step for EDI Games is =)

Thanks! I was really meaning for the 'Indiana Jones' theme, but I could not remember for the life of me the name [lol]. I think then that would make for an intrestng story as well as game, however I think you will need something 'special' for your game. I know this is all very early and all, but it needs to have something about it that makes it different from all other adventure games, you know?

hmm.

I don't think it needs somthing that is 'special', more though that it needs to be 'fun' like other classic adventure games. All adventure games have variants of pretty much basic puzzles. It is how they tie into the story that makes them interesting. There are, however, a few tricks that I have up my sleve, for this game, you know, the little ideas that occur every now and then, that get written in the pad I have in my jacket pocket =)

FYI: Your title is kind of screwed up. Unless you are making some kind of a statement through your bad grammar, you either need to get rid of the colon after "Smith" or the "and" after the colon. Use either "Dakota Smith and the Tomb of Diamonds" or "Dakota Smith: The Tomb of Diamonds". You should consider having someone good at the mechanical side of writing in English proof-read all of your text for your games; I have seen some of your work on Morning's Wrath and it would be a shame for such high quality work to be marred by minor grammar and spelling mistakes (as happens far, far too often with games).

I agree with Mumpo. The colon looks very out of place. I support both his suggestions, but the first I though of was "Dakota Smith and the Tomb of Diamonds". It has more of an Indiana Jones feel to it.

Hey, hey, hey now =)
gentle =)

the title comes in the form of many games today,

Game Name: game iteration

you are probably right in that it shouldn't have a colon, but this is a first draft, and I am obviously not an english major, nor do I even claim to know the first thing about proper writing =)
I just meddle with the tools of words to try and get my ideas out :)

Also, given that I've had the drive and direction to get MW to where it is, I would think you would give me credit enough to realize that MW will definetly get a full textual scrub and revision, by those far more skilled than I in the matter =)

We just released beta, and once some of the initial bugs are cleaned up we will be entering the dialogue revision stage.

I imagine that your post didin't mean to be quite so harsh as I read it, however, you might try and tune your writing to be a little more supportive and a little less accusing and bashing. =D

Quote: Original post by mumpo
FYI: Your title is kind of screwed up. Unless you are making some kind of a statement through your bad grammar, you either need to get rid of the colon after "Smith" or the "and" after the colon. Use either "Dakota Smith and the Tomb of Diamonds" or "Dakota Smith: The Tomb of Diamonds". You should consider having someone good at the mechanical side of writing in English proof-read all of your text for your games; I have seen some of your work on Morning's Wrath and it would be a shame for such high quality work to be marred by minor grammar and spelling mistakes (as happens far, far too often with games).

Well, my first thougts at the title was indiana jones type game and during the first scene where that it was going to be a scavenger hunt set up by an eccentiric millionire to lead to his lost fortune. If thats the angle your going to take it would be good if some item at the very begining of the game turns out to be a map to the treasure.

You say that the player can die I generely find adventures games where you can die and then have to reload annyoing especially if I hadn't saved in a while. So what I propose is this: The game is from the point of view of Dakota retelling one of his great adventures, so whenever the player dies you have short scene where Dakota says something like "No wait, thats not what happened, now where was I" and the game returns to just before your death.

Quote: Original post by TechnoGoth
Well, my first thougts at the title was indiana jones type game and during the first scene where that it was going to be a scavenger hunt set up by an eccentiric millionire to lead to his lost fortune. If thats the angle your going to take it would be good if some item at the very begining of the game turns out to be a map to the treasure.

I don't think that having a treasure map would be a good idea, for one it's fairly cliche, and two, the chamber was never meant to be found by any but the maker, and as such is protected by traps and contraptions, etc.

My angle on this, is that, it seems that there is an oppourtunity to recover some great treasure, and this intrigues the main character (due to his aparent obscession with being a famous treasure hunter), so he takes up the task of trying to find a way into second chamber *which is where the other archiologists must have gone through, assumingly*, while the game goal starts as pure selfish treasure hunting, it 'morphs' into wanting to find and rescue the girl, and much like in the Indiana Jones serries, at the end the hero will sacrifice the treasure, in order to save her life as well as his own. thus returning empty handed, and still not famous, or rich =)

Quote: Original post by TechnoGoth
so whenever the player dies you have short scene where Dakota says something like "No wait, thats not what happened, now where was I" and the game returns to just before your death.

Pure, Awesome, Idea!

++ to you for that =)