Its 1am here, and I dont have to work tommorow(WOO!). I have no games to play, no posts to read, and this weeks comic is pretty much done. On top of that, I dont feel like going to bed yet, so I figured I might try and write a short story (first one I've written in ages). If you feel like leaving some feedback, please feel free. [smile] -----------

Clarity

Conner brushed the food crumbs from his uniform onto the restaurant floor. ‘Keep your police uniform clean’ he had been told too many times before by his superiors. Looking back up, he peered into the cup of cold coffee he had been holding for the last 15 minutes. Lights swirled in the cup as he tilted it back and forwards, dancing in the black liquid. ‘Another coffee, love?’ A rather old woman stared at Conner over the counter; a pot of coffee in one hand, a smoking cigarette in the other. ‘No thanks, my breaks nearly over anyway. Better get back to protectin’ you folk’ Conner tried to crack a smirk, but only received a scornful look in return. Figuring humouring the old bag was a lost cause, Conner stood and brushed more crumbs of his pants, turning to slowly walking towards the dirty glass door. Conner looked at his watch: 2:45am. Only 3 hours until his shift was finished. 3 hours until he could go home. 3 hours until he could get some sleep. As he shuffled his hands through his pockets trying to find the keys to the police car, his eyes wandered to the TV in the corner of the room. ‘We are at the scene of yet another brutal murder. It is suspected that the person responsible for this is also connected to 3 other deaths in this area’ Conner tried to block the TV out and hurried to find his keys. He was sick of hearing about murders, he was sick of hearing about shootings. He was sick of this whole damn city. His fingers franticly located his keys, and he hurried out of the restaurant. As he stepped onto the pavement, he began to slowly walk back towards his car. He tried to make a joke in his head about the fact that he had managed to get a park right around the corner, and that his luck might be changing. The thought of being happy again shot pains through his stomach. A feeling of guilt washed over him as the thought about all the people he could never save in this rotten city. He hated this city. Conner quickly opened the car door, a loud creak echoing through the empty streets. Conner slumped into the drivers seat. He hated thinking about this city, it always made him feel sick. Stretching across the passenger seat, he fumbled with the glove compartment switch, jiggling it backwards and forwards. Finally the compartment thumped opened, takeaway menus and coupons for ‘Ceaser’s feed palace’ spilling over the floor. 'SHIT!' Trying to stuff the coupons back into the compartment, Conner reached to the back and pulled out a bottle of disgusting pink liquid that the label claimed would ease his stomach. Sitting back upright he guzzled it down, which worked for a moment or two. As Conner threw the empty container into the pile of coupons now on the passenger floor, a man across the street caught his eye. It was a shabby looking youth that at first looked no different from any other bum on the streets. But the fact that he was now sporting a brand new pair of shiny leather shoes made him a cause for alarm . Conner opened the driver side door and started to make his way across the street towards the shabby man. He was nearly able to get all the way across without the youth even noticing, but Conner was soon thrown a look of panic. The shabby youth started to turn, slowly starting to walk back into the alley. Conner started to remove his baton as the man disappeared into the mix of shadows and moon light, which was all turned a horrible pink from the neon’s across the road. As he made his way to the entrance of the alley, Conner could just make out the face of the shabby man. ‘Listen, I don’t want to harm you, I just want to ask you a few questions’. No sound came from the shadows. ‘I can see you, so why don’t you come a little closer’ The figure started to move, edging ever so slowly towards Conner. The man slowly opened his mouth, quivering as he prepared to speak ‘Do you know where God is?’ Conner replied ‘I’m sure he is somewhere around here’, not believing a word he just said. ‘No’, said the man. ‘I am going to get a miracle! Tonight is my escape! I will ride my way to heaven on the shoulders of those who have sinned’ The man started to move closer to Conner, so that now he was barely a meter away ‘I…I am the chosen one!’ He stepped closer to Conner again Conner took a step back, slowly rasing his baton. ‘Sir, I only wish to speak with you’ The man was obviously not listening as he started to look to the skies. ‘You must go now’ The man looked back at Conner, and for a moment didn’t say a word. Conner had had enough. He took a step forward and raised his baton above his head. *BANG* Conner looked around, stunned *BANG* Everything was starting to slow down now, but for some reason Conner was on the ground. He watched as the bum ran of into the street, as he lay bleeding on the concrete. He couldn’t move, but at the same time he felt fine. Everything started to flash by, as his whole life seemed so tiny and irrelevant. He knew he was going to die, but it didn’t seem to worry him, he felt fine. He thought about his parents, but had only good thoughts of what would come in their lives. A feeling of happiness washed over him, and for the first time in his life he was content. He was happy. Conner rolled over, took one last breath, and died.

I like it. It's an interesting read, has a cool ending, and doesn't over explain what is happening (i.e. you obviously respect your readers intelligence, and ability to picture the scene, which doesn't seem to happen in most books nowadays).

Oh, and BTW, if you are bored then make a rhino wallpaper for the comic site ;)

I don't get it, but I know it's really deep, whatever it's supposed to mean :)

free time? Free time! FREE TIME!!!!!!

Do you write fiction for money? You have a talent for writing. I have read a lot of books about people that have had NDE's (near death experience) and they are very interesting. However those were non-fiction.

Larry P.

wow...
just impressive

Whoah, I wasn't expecting this kind of feedback. Thanks heaps everyone. [smile] (maybe I should do all my work at 1:00am [wink])

Okay, here's my different interprations so far:

1) The bum was just a crazy bum, and he shot the cop because he thought he was the chosen one.

2) The bum is like Neo in the Matrix, when Cypher says "If he's the chosen one, some miracle's going to stop me, right?" so some other random person, or some kind of divine intervention shoots the cop so the "chosen one" can escape

3) The bum was supposed to get shot, and knew it. He was telling the cop to get away but it was too late and the cop ended up taking the bullet meant for the bum.

Did you have any "right answer" in mind writing it, or is it intentionally left open for interpretation? Either way, it's twisting my brain :)

I liked your many descriptive passages, and the fact that through most of the story you showed us images of feeling and personality rather then flat out telling us what the character was feeling.

Pacific Comments:

1)‘Keep your police uniform clean’ he had been told too many times before by his superiors

I felt like this line was only here to tell the audience that he is a cop, I think that their was enough details in the story besides this one that told us he was a cop, and that it may have been a little to much to come out and directly say it.

2) disgusting pink liquid that the label claimed would ease his stomach

I liked that you didn’t use a name brand, or pacifically say what he was drinking, the description made it easier to picture the scene. I enjoyed this imagery.

3) the fact that he was now sporting a brand new pair of shiny leather shoes made him a cause for alarm

This helped to characterize Connor as a cop. Not everybody would notice this irregularity, but a cop or investigator would. Connor paid a lot of attention to detail, and that is an important part of his character.

4) horrible pink from the neon’s across the road.

This gave a good picture of where the story takes place, without actually stating where. I picture a city street with neon signs, if you had just come out and said city-street; the visualization would be much different.

5) took a step back, slowly rasing his baton

This showed Connor as being intimidated or scared of the bum’s peculiarities. I enjoyed the interaction between the two characters, but felt like something was missing, I wasn’t sure if Conner felt threatened, or what was going on that made him back up and raise his baton at the bum.

6) obviously not listening as he started to look to the skies.
The bum seems to be in a world of his own. I liked your description of the bum.

7a) Conner tried to block the TV out and hurried to find his keys. He was sick of hearing about murders, he was sick of hearing about shootings. He was sick of this whole damn city. His fingers franticly located his keys, and he hurried out of the restaurant. As he stepped onto the pavement, he began to slowly walk back towards his car. He tried to make a joke in his head about the fact that he had managed to get a park right around the corner, and that his luck might be changing. The thought of being happy again shot pains through his stomach. A feeling of guilt washed over him as the thought about all the people he could never save in this rotten city. He hated this city.

7b) Everything started to flash by, as his whole life seemed so tiny and irrelevant. He knew he was going to die, but it didn’t seem to worry him, he felt fine. He thought about his parents, but had only good thoughts of what would come in their lives. A feeling of happiness washed over him, and for the first time in his life he was content. He was happy.

These passages seems like they don’t fit the general feel of the rest of the story. Besides these passages I experienced everything in great detail, now I am suddenly in his head. In other paragraphs I felt like a fly on a wall making my own inference as to what was going on in their heads, suddenly I am told what he is feeling. I’d like to see an image of what he’s feeling. An action or quotation to show his disgust for the city would be appropriate. I’d like to see his sudden happiness that overcomes him in the end of the story.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I enjoyed the story but felt like there was too much that was missing. If you write any new drafts, or other stories I would be interested to see them as well. Sorry if I over did it on the comments, I have a tendency to overdue it, probably because I personally like to hear a lot from my proof readers.