If you''re going to seriously committ yourself as a game story-writer then you need to work on your grammar. I''m not trying to be an ass or anything like that but seriously....

Jehovah is viewed by Gnostics as fundamentally evil, jealous, rigid, lacking in compassion and prone to genocide.

ugh... No offensive but this is just bad so very very bad.

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Original post by CHASIS-BLADE
In the 23rd Centuary the Human Race is facing one of it''s biggest Crisis!, A test has concluded that the Human race is getting weaker and weaker in terms of Everything we do - Walk, Build, Learn...Everything!.

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What test? I would think a test that can prove that everyone in the world is getting weaker would be a major achivement and sign that humans are still improving.

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It is decided that a new drug be developed to counteract this problem and Advance the Human race back to it''s former glory,

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What former glory has there been a major decline in society? Are there things that advances that existed in the past that nolonger exist in present? Why a drug? Why not improving the education system, or decreasing peoples reliance on automated devices.

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After three years of hard work the new Drug known as ''Beta'' is compleated and is tested on a Man and Woman to see the effects.
After two weeks in isolation the Subjects begin to grow stronger and Smarter and more Powerful than any human that ever lived!.

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Only two subjects and two weeks of trials? Now your just being rediculious, there would be years of trials and and 1000''s of subjects so that the scientists could properly test the effects of a new drug.

Also if humans are in such a desperate state of decline how could they create such an advanced drug in the first place?

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The drug is then shipped worldwide to everyone aged 12-25

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Why only 12-25 year olds? Thats a rather odd age group with which to invest the future of cilivilzation to. Why would they give it to such a young demographic. If you wanted to secure the future wouln''t it make sense to give to say everyone under 50?

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Even though they cant fight them they can repel them as the Advanced can not go deeper that 2 miles underground, so Humans bild there new cities under the earth (Known as ''The Farms'') and begine to contemplate.

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Why can''t the advanced go 2 miles underground? You claim it was fail safe built into the drug but with only two weeks of testing and 3 years of devoplment there is no way they could know if that failsafe would even work. Besides that still doesn''t explain why the advanced can''t go that deep underground nor why they can''t use their psychic powers and super intellegence to devise an antitode to that limitation. Or heck can''t they build robots or remote weapons to attack the underground cities? Afterall it only took them a couple of months for a group of unskilled advanced to build weapons of mass destuction.

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After 4 Years they develop weapons that could stand a chance and Armor that almost repels their powers, The gear is given to a Elite group known as ''The Intertwiners'' and they are sent to the Surface to fight off a group of Advanced in a small village in france.

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What where the advanced doing during those 4 years sitting on their thumbs and humming? Wouldn''t they have developed far more powerful weapons since they are suppose to be far supioer to the regular humans who are still in a state of deciline.


Also and its "build" not "bild" I noticed you continully spelt it wrong.



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"Fate and Destiny only give you the opportunity the rest you have to do on your own."
Current Design project: Ambitions Slave

Your story has too many holes in it. For example, the U.S. has missles that can hit underground bunkers. The missles were used in both Iraq conflicts. TechnoGoth brought up plenty of good points, so take his/her suggestions seriously.

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Original post by CHASIS-BLADE
Are you talking in code RuneLancer?
I do not understand what you mean!
Please Explain

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I''m saying that you can''t please everyone.

I agree, learn your spelling and grammar before you apply it to a post, especially if you''re trying to write a storyline/plot. At least spell check it!!!

My pet hate is native English speakers who can''t spell simple words or make fundamental grammatical errors, eg, use "then" instead of "than" or "of" instead of "off".
I physically cringe whenever I see this, and it makes you look bad, people won''t take you very seriously.

Stay Clausal,

Red Sodium

Okay thanks for your Comments.
I am sorry if i did some Typo''s but i was a bit rushed writing that.
I will Re-Write the Prologe and post it later (With added Plaster in the Plot-Holes).
Thanks again guys

I have finished the Re-Write and it will be posted on a new thread

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Okay thanks for your Comments.
I am sorry if i did some Typo''s but i was a bit rushed writing that.
I will Re-Write the Prologe and post it later (With added Plaster in the Plot-Holes).
Thanks again guys

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Argh! Random capitals everywhere, "prologe" spelt wrongly, argh!

Okay, I understand, you were in a rush... You must be a pretty fast typist!

Stay Clausal,

Red Sodium