Battlefield Earth... SUCKS!

felisandria · 2000-05-26T17:23:38

Well, I saw Battlefield Earth this weekend and it was just awful. My condolensces to anyone else who saw it. I''m sure we''ll be talking to our psychiatrists about it in a few years. I thought that for the protection of the denizens of gamedev, I should write an abridged script so you would be able to know what the movie is about without the trauma of actually going to see it... Here it is, the abridged script of BattleField Earth, for your viewing enjoyment. By the way, this will SPOIL the movie for you (though most people will say it''s pretty rotten anyway) because it will tell you that THE GOOD GUYS WIN!!! Which as everyone knows is not the NORMAL ending of an AWFUL sci fi movie, or any movie for that matter. *Scene opens, guy riding a horse. It''s a white horse, so he''s obviously The Good Guy. The Good Guy rides up to a girl* Audience: What the heck? I thought this was a scifi show. The Good Guy: Here''s all the medicine I could find. *holds out a bouqet* Girl: Sorry, your dad died in the night. The Good Guy: NOOOOO! *slomo closeup. audience thinks they should maybe be sympathetic but is a little confused because no actual character development has happened yet... this agonizing process is saved for later.* **Some sort of cave, where the entire tribe apparently is hanging around the fire** Good Guy: I think we should move. Elder: Heck no. There are demons. Good Guy, scrambling around on the floor picking up handfuls of dust and throwing them into the air for no apparent reason: Ever seen a demon? Elder, dancing around swinging a torch for no apparent reason, but impressively nimble for a really old guy: No, but we have to stay here and avoid them. And make the gods happy. The ones who made the really big ruined buildings. Good Guy: well, I''m going anyway. Elder: No. Good Guy: Whatever. Seeya. **Girl who now apparently is the Heroine, and Good Guy, saying goodbye** Heroine: Take me with you. Good Guy: No. Heroine: You won''t take me just because I''m a giirrrul. *whines* Good Guy, scrambling to cover his tail: No... uh... no... uh... you need to stay here because... because... the tribe needs you because you''re worth uh... two guys. yeah. that''s it. **Good Guy rides off before the girl figures out he''s bluffing** **Good Guy hears a noise, horse freaks out, Good Guy winds up in a miniature golf course and freaks out... which is relatively normal.** Weird Guy #1, with relatively harmless and blunt looking spear: Die Unbeliever! Good Guy: Uh... what? Weird Guy #2: Um... I''m not sure. They didn''t really tell me what it was you weren''t believing. Nevermind, we''re hungry. Seeya. Oh, and we know where a place of the gods is. K bye. Good Guy: I''ll give you food if you show me the place of the gods. Weird Guy #1: Okie then. **Apparently an ex-mall in some city, sitting around eating pieces of nondescript rodent** **Useless conversation, interrupted by a green blast breaking stuff. Dark figure holding something that looks like a palm camcorder but apparently more deadly strides toward the trio, who run like heck.** Weird Guy #1 (shot): Aagh. **Dark figure with camcorder, apparently a terrible shot, breaks a heck of a lot of windows that from the exterior decay indications should have been broken long ago and knocks large chunks out of the walls, mostly so that there can be cool slomo shots of broken junk flying around, which was cool in Matrix, but gets really old here.** Weird Guy #2 (shot): Aagh. *to Good Guy, who apparently has become his best friend despite not believing something or other, and is now crouched over him being concerned* You go, I''m done for. Good Guy: nah, I think I''ll stay and be senselessly heroic. *whistles* *Horse appears, gets shot, good guy gets more upset than he was even about his father, despite the fact that the horse is still apparently breathing.* Good Guy: Okie, nuf heroism. *runs through a series of at least a dozen plate glass windows while being shot at.* Audience: Wow. That''s a lot of windows. Good Guy (shot): Aagh. Audience: YAY!!! **Scene: bottom of some plane thing... Good Guy & Co are apparently not dead after all.** Audience: darnit... *Plane enters some city covered with a dome. Text across the bottom indicates that this is Denver, Colorado, as a citywide and surrounding area shot is taken** Audience: What the heck? That''s not Denver. I freaking LIVE in Denver. *Scene gets really purple, apparently due to "atmospheric effect". This purple thing gets REALLY annoying in the next 15 minutes, and downright nauseating by the end of the movie.** *Travolta appears* Travolta: Hi. In this movie I''m a disgusting alien. Female Audience Members: No, you can''t be disgusting, you''re Travolta. *swoon* Travolta: Sure I can. And I''m a weasel too. To prove it I will demonstrate my really bad oral hygiene. *grins to show really bad oral hygiene* Half the female audience members: Eww. *faint* Other half of the female audience members: He''s still Travolta... see the dimple! *swoon* Travolta: Now I''m going to do a few things to show how evil and weaselly I am. *does random evil and weaselly things* Evil Sidekick: Wow, boss, you sure are evil and weaselly. I wish I were as evil and weaselly as you. Travolta: Absolutely. *does evil and weaselly things to his sidekick for good measure* Now that I''m an established evil weasel, I will get around to the plot. Too bad that took half an hour. Okay, I''m going to steal the Heroine and make the Good Guy mine for me since our species can''t... and REMEMBER THIS because it''s a REALLY IMPORTANT PLOT POINT... can''t go anywhere NEAR radiation or... PAY ATTENTION HERE!... our breathing gas will BLOW UP! Geek Audience Members: What the heck? And wouldn''t natural cosmic radiation present a problem then? Other Audience Members: Shut up, we''re trying to sleep here. *Travolta takes Good Guy to a "learning machine" and plugs him in* Travolta: Learn mining, our language, theoretical physics, and how to destroy my home planet k? Good Guy: Sure! *Travolta leaves, weird guys and a few extras wander in and drag Good Guy out of the machine* Good Guy: Hey, I know their language, theoretical physics, mining, and how to blow up their home planet now! Cool! Anybody got an aspirin? Random guys: Wha? Good Guy: Nevermind. Here, let me show you some theoretical physics and basic geometry. Weird Guy #1: Um... shouldn''t we be trying to escape? Good Guy: Nah. Travolta still isn''t weaselly enough yet. Check out this triangle. *Travolta comes in, drags Good Guy to something labelled "Denver Public Library"* Audience: Um... that''s not the Denver Public library... I freaking LIVE in Denver... Travolta: See how pitiful you are as a species. See how much you''ve lost. Audience, this is a Poignant Moment. Be thoughtful now, darnit. Audience: ZZzzzZZZZzzzZZZzzz.... Travolta: Okay, fine. Time to mine then. **a geologically impossible ore vein in what is apparently Aspen, Colorado** Travolta: Mine that. I''ll be watching with a drone that comes overhead exactly every 24 hours, 34 minutes, and 6 seconds. Here''s a watch so you know when and can pretend to be mining at that time. Get me a bunch of gold. *leaves* Good Guy: Okay, we''re going to Fort Knox to get a whole bunch of gold, which the aliens apparently overlooked when rounding up all humans that weren''t in radioactive zones. Then we''re going to get a nuclear device and stuff. Thanks to this watch we can pretend to be mining when the drone comes over. Random Guys: Cool. *Good Guy and random guys and a whole bunch of Braveheart rejects that popped out of the forest wander around getting gold and nuclear devices and a squadron of harrier jets which apparently are really easy to fly. Good Guy also finds time to corrupt the Evil Sidekick.* Good Guy: Okie, Weird Guy #1, you''re going to break the alien dome so the atmosphere kills them. I also need you to say "piece of cake" from now on every time I say anything to you, and have Weird Guy #2 repeat it. K? Weird Guy #1: Piece of cake. Weird Guy #2: Yeah, piece of cake. Good Guy: Braveheart rejects, you''re going to use your newly acquired mad flying skillz to shoot the alien planes despite the fact that it didn''t work when they took us over, because it will work this time, k? Braveheart rejects: FREEEEEDOM! er... I mean yeah. Good Guy: And I''m going to go be Tragically Heroic and take this easily found, dismantled, and armed nuclear device to the bad guy''s home planet. Random Guy: No, I''m going to. You can''t die, the Heroine would be ticked off. Good Guy: Okie. Travolta (returning): K guys, we''re running out of time. Let''s head back to the domed city so you can win and stuff k? **They return. Mayhem ensues.** Weird Guy #1: I''m going to blow up the dome now k? Piece of cake. *Harrier jets run around blowing up bad aliens in a dazzling display of fireworks, several pilots commit Heroic Suicide, explosions go off* Weird Guy #1: Drat. It only cracked. *Inside the dome more mayhem ensues, involving aliens being Really Bad Shots* Weird Guy #1: Okie, I''m going to really blow it up now. Piece of cake. *Weird Guy #1 rams the dome with his alien plane, and succeeds in getting it stuck halfway through the zone. He is somehow Still Alive.* Weird Guy #1: Drat, drat, drat. *sees that he still has barrels of fuel that somehow didn''t explode when he rammed the dome, and points a grenade launcher at them* Okie, now I''m really really going to blow the dome, k? Piece of freaking cake already!!! *Shoots, explosion, dome cracks, people scatter, aliens die* Good Guy: Yay. Now let''s blow up their home planet in such a simple and obvious manner that no other intelligent races in the galaxy realized it could be done. Random Martyr with Nuclear Device: Okie. Travolta: I don''t think so. *unplugs the transporter device* Good Guy: Darnit... *they fight, Good Guy wins (duh), Good Guy plugs the transporter back in and transports the nuclear device to the bad guy home planet* **Bad guy home planet blows up in spectacular display of CGI, with the one redeeming feature of the movie... no corny white ring thing around the explosion...** **Bad guy is locked up in a cage in the middle of Fort Knox** Travolta: This sucks. Good Guy: Haha. You deserve it weasel. Travolta: The colonies of my people will come blow up your planet. Good Guy: No they won''t, because I have you and they want revenge on you so they won''t blow us up. Travolta: Um... what? Where the heck did you come up with that logic? Good Guy: It''s in the script... beats me... Travolta: Yeesh. Let''s just roll the credits and not even try to explain this one. I''m sorry moviegoers, I swear my next movie will be good, and I swear I''ll have better oral hygiene for all my female admirers... Hello? Anyone there? **credits screen before an empty theatre**

GDNet Lounge Community

Started by felisandria May 15, 2000 06:03 PM

30 comments, last by felisandria 24 years, 9 months ago

jLeslie

122

May 26, 2000 02:47 PM

If you''re dissing MI2 you''re obviously not a movie-fan, the only bad thing about it was the same slow motion face shots that John Woo reused from Face-Off.

nes8bit

275

May 26, 2000 05:23 PM

Yes I am dissing on MI2 and it''s all in the message above. I am not a movie fan or critic, but the only movie I like so far is "The Matrix" Sorry, I was really looking up to MI2 and was really disappointed. It was just the American James Bond without the gadgets and with really impossible movie stunts.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Battlefield Earth... SUCKS!

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Battlefield Earth... SUCKS!

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