My humble contribution:
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A 47 year old man is feeling very self-conscious about the wrinkles on his face, so he goes and gets plastic surgery to smooth them out. When the operation is finished, he runs out into the street, very happy.

"How old do you think I am?" he asks a passerby on the street.
"I don''t know..." says the person. "About 35?"
"Ha! It worked! I''m actually 47!"

That day the man goes to grocery store still extremely happy. At the checkout line he asks the cashier: "How old do you think I am?"
"Well," says the cashier, "you look about 35."
"Wrong!" exclaimed the man. "I''m actually 47!"

While heading home with his groceries the man bumped into an old lady. Without thinking he asked: "How old do you think I am?"
"Well," said the old lady, "I have a bizarre ability to tell ANYONE''s age if I just stick my hands down their pants for a minute or two."
Since the man saw no one else around he agreed to see if this lady could really do such a trick. After a minute or two the lady exclaimed: "You''re 47 years old!"
"That''s amazing!" cried the man. "How did you do that?"
"I was behind you in the check-out line," said the old lady.
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In poor taste, I know but kind of funny nonetheless.

Alex
Atypical Interactive
www.atypical-interactive.com

hehe, the jokes are pretty good. and we''re so damn lucky that we never get an old lady checking the messageboard in gamedeveloper network

hmm, ever seen an old lady making a computer game? *L*

- pouya

Three old men chatting:-

Man 1 - "Damn , my arthritis is getting real bad , this morning , I was shaking so much I spilt coffe all over the place"

Man 2 - " Well , mine''s worse , I couldnt get the key in to start my car!"

Man 3 - " That aint nothing , I was shaking so much , when I tried to piss , I came twice ! "

Two friends relaxing

john (spits on the ground shakes his head ) -"Damn that fool can drive."
John (spits on the ground shakes his head ) - -"Damn that fool can drive."
Tom - "Ay John , why do you keep doin that ?"
John-"What ?"
Tom-"Spitting on the and shit."
John (spits on the ground shakes his head ) - "Its a sad story man."
Tom(Getting curios)-"What happened?"
John (spits on the ground shakes his head ) - "Well , you know Charlie ?"
Tom-"Yep"
John-"He bought a new Porshe yersterday and asked me if I wanna go on a test drive this morning and you know me , cant pass up on that so I said yes."
(John pauses , spits on the ground shakes his head and muttered to himself Damn that fool can drive.
Tom-"Go on"
John-"Everything was fine until we started going down hill.We must''ve been doing 160mph , easy , when the brakes went out ."
Tom-"Damn!!"
John-"To make matters worse , the truck infront of us started dropping water melons all over the place.There was a car coming from the opposite direction.The road was too narrow , there was a wall on the left side and the was a deep cliff on the other side , we were trapped"
Tom(getting all excited)-"What did you do ?"
John-"Well , I figured this was my last day on this planet so I told Charlie if he gets out of this one alive , I would do anything , anything for him."
Tom-"....and "
John (spits on the ground shakes his head ) - -"Damn that fool can drive."



..Trying to take me outta the Ghetto , but I'm still buck wild . So I'll hustle up wit em , knuckle up wit em hoody hooo..............

Anybody know the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish farmer?

The Rolling Stones sing: Hey You Get Off of my Cloud...

The Scottish Farmer says: Hey, Mcleod! Git offa my ewe!

I hope somebody gets that.

ThaHoodRat: awesome jokes
Landfish: Yeah I get it, pretty good

I''ve got to post another joke. Some of you may remember this from Good Will Hunting.

Ok, this happened when I was in an airplane going to LA(not really). Well, about half-way there, the pilot turns to his co-pilot and says,"What I need now is a nice cup of coffee." Then the co-pilot says,"Huh, what I need now is a nice blowjob." Without realizing it, the pilots had been talking while the speaker phone was on, and everyone in the plane could hear what they were saying. Suddenly, a stewardess runs to the cockpit to notify the pilots that the speaker phone was on. I yell,"Hey Miss! Don''t forget the coffee!"

OK here's one (I hope you haven't heard it before , and it's not *exactly* right, but close enough)

The setting: Spring 1957

Bobby, a high school boy, is driving to Carrie's house to pick her up for a date. He parks the car, gets out, and knocks on the front door.

Carrie's father answers the door and says, "Hello son. Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you come in and sit down?"

"Gee sir, that would be swell," Bobby says.

Carrie's father sits down on the couch across from Bobby, and says, "So, what are you kids planning on doing tonight?"

Bobby replies, "Gosh sir, I don't know. We'll probably just go to the soda fountain or a movie or something. We won't be out too late."

Carrie's father says, "Why don't you kids screw?"

Bobby, stunned, his eyes lighting up, asks Carrie's father if he'd heard him correctly.

"Sure," replies Carrie's father, "Carrie loves to screw! She'll screw all night if we let her!"

With that, Carrie appears at the top of the stairs in a poodle skirt and white blouse and says, "Hi Bobby! Ready to go?"

Bobby gets up, his mind racing, and walks Carrie out the door.

"Bye kids, have fun!" yells Carrie's father as they leave


20 minutes later, Carrie comes running in the door, out of breath, and screams, "DAMMIT Daddy! It's called the TWIST!"


Hope you like it!

------------------------------
Jonathan Little
invader@hushmail.com
http://www.crosswinds.net/~uselessknowledge

Edited by - Qoy on 4/30/00 12:57:27 AM

What kind of animal has a pig in the middle of it''s back?

A Police Horse.

A man with a masks breaks into the nuns sleeping quaters and savagely rapes the only nun left guarding the place.After hez thru he gets and........

Man(panting heavily and waving his gun around)-"Well , what are you gonna tell the cops."
Nun-"I'm gonna tell them that a man with a mask came and he raped me twice , unless of course if you're already tired .


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Two nuns walking back to the monestary after dark , when a maliscious looking man started following them ....

Sister Passion-"Ooh my God , that man is following us , what does he want?"
Sister Logic-"The most logical answer is he wants to rape us ."
Sister Passion-"What shall we do?"
Sister Logic - "The most logical thing , we must start running."
Sister Passion-"Its not working , he started running running too"
Sister Logic-"We must run faster."
Sister Passion-"He is still catching up , ooh God I'm so scared."
Sister Logic-"We must do the most logical thing , we must split up , he cant chase us both."

After they split up , the man chases after Sister Logic. Sister Passion makes it back home and anxiously waits for her friend who arrives 10 mins later.

Sister Passion-"sister , I was so scared for you , are you OK , What happened."
Sister Logic-"After we split , the most logical thing happened , the man started gaining on me ."
Sister Passion-"Ooh my God , then what happened."
Sister Logic-"I knew I wasnt going to out run him so I did the most logical thing , I stopped , turn around and lifted my skirt up to my waist."
Sister Passion(Starting to get aroused)-"Ooh dear me , What did he do ?"
Sister Logic-"The most logical thing , he dropped his pants to his ankles."
Sister Passion(Now fully aroused)-"ooh dear me , then what happened."
Sister Logic-"The most Logical thing happened , A nun with her skirt up to her waist can run faster than a man with his pants around his ankle"

more to come.................

..Trying to take me outta the Ghetto , but I'm still buck wild . So I'll hustle up wit em , knuckle up wit em hoody hooo..............

Edited by - Tha_HoodRat on 4/30/00 2:39:03 AM

I gotta give you this one before it slips my mind.....


A man barely driving over the speed limit and was pulled over by a cop , the man is obiviously pissed.........

Officer-"Good morning , do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver-"No."
Officer-"Sir you were doing 73mph in a 70mph zone , I''m afraid I''m gonna have to write you up."
Driver-"Thats ok Officer , I was late for work."
Officer(getting his ticket book)-"Really now , what kind of work do you do?"
Driver-"I''m a Doctor."
Officer-"What kind of Doctor?"
Driver-"I''m a Rectum stretcher."
Officer(Stops writing and stares in disbelief)-"A what?"
Driver-"A Rectum Stretcher."
Officer(Getting curious)-"What exactly do you do."
Driver-"In lay man terms I stretch people''s assholes until they are 6 foot 2 inches."
Officer(puzzled look on his face)-"What would anyone do with a six foot asshole."
Driver-"Give him a radar gun and stick him under a bridge"

..Trying to take me outta the Ghetto , but I'm still buck wild . So I'll hustle up wit em , knuckle up wit em hoody hooo..............

ok, I had to participate (also, I have about 500 mails with jokes, if anyone here feels sad let me know )

A guy was cruising at 120mph the police ask him to pull over.
The guy pressed the gas pedal and tried to get rid of the cops, starting to drive faster and faster, until the police catch him and forced him to pullover.

Policeman - It''s 6.55 pm, I get off in 5 minutes, if you give me the best excuse you can for going nuts like that, Ill let you go.
Driver - You see officer, last week I was asked to pull over by a policeman and he ended up running away with my wife.
Policeman - Yeah, so ... ???
Driver - I thought he was turning her back.
Policeman - Have a nice day sir...


I laugh my ass off when I heard this one ))))