heh I need some funny stuff to read, no controversy If anyone''s got a good joke just post it here hehe

1. Okay, there were two sausages inside the oven while it was on. It was boiling in there, so one sausage turns to the other and says, "Boy, it''s hot in here!". The other sausage rolls over and says, "Oh my god! A talking sausage!!"

It''s alllll here baby!

2. There were three Canadians and three Americans all together buying ticks for the train heading for the hockey game. All three of the Americans bought a ticket for each of themselves, but the Canadians only bought one ticket. The Americans ask the Canadians, "How are all three of you going to ride the train with only one ticket?". The Canadians reply, "You''ll see."
While on the train, the Americans go and take their seats, but the three Canadians go into a washroom stall and jam themselves in there. The ticket collector comes around, takes the Americans'' tickets and knocks on the washroom door. "Ticket, please". As the ticket collector said that, one of the men stuck only their arm out of the stall and handed it to the Ticket Collector. Not noticing anything, the ticket collector walked away, leaving the Americans amazed at this really cool trick the Canadians had played.
On the way home from the hockey game, the Americans decide to copy the Canadians, and buy only ticket to get home. The Canadians buy no ticket. The Americans ask, "How do you expect to get home with no ticket?". The Canadians reply, "You''ll see".
They board the train, and the Americans run to the washroom stall and close the door, waiting anxiously for the ticket collector to come around. The three Canadians do the same, and jam themselves in the washroom stall. The train started to leave, and a Canadian came out of the washroom stall, tapped on the washroom stall of the Americans and said, "Ticket, please."


I swear, I''m full of''em! I COULD type more but, I got other things to do, and I''m sure you''ll in pain from laughing so much!

GO LEAFS GO!

You asked for it.............

1) "Good morning Ladies " , said the blind man as he walked past the fish market.

2)Two old ladies were at the market ,
Lady One - "How much are your cucumbers?"
Vendor - " $2 for three."
Lady Two (whispering to her friend) - "Well , we could always eat the third one."

3)Two old ladies sitting next to a bum(in a park)
Ann(whispering)- "Mary , Mary ..."
Mary(irritably)- "WHAT?"
Ann(still whispering)-"The guy next to me is mastubating!"
Mary-"Just ignore him."
Ann-" I cant ."
Mary-"Why not ?"
Ann-"Hez using my hand !"

4)........Gotta finish up Radik

..Trying to take me outta the Ghetto , but I'm still buck wild . So I'll hustle up wit em , knuckle up wit em hoody hooo..............

SAUSAGE

Paddy and Mick are down on their luck and in desperate
need of a beer.
After checking their pockets and finding only 50
pence, Paddy comes up with
an idea:
''I''ll take the 50 pence and show you how we can drink
all day for free!''
Off he goes - turning into the local butcher''s shop
and returning minutes
later with a long, pink single sausage, which he
carefully places in Mick''s
fly.
Then they head off to a nearby bar.
''Two pints,'' says Paddy to the barman. The beers
arrive and they down them
as fast as they can. As the barman is about to ask
them for payment Paddy
drops to his knees and begins to fellate the sausage
hanging out of Mick''s
trousers.
''Get out of my bar, you gay bastards!'' screams the
barman, who boots them
out onto the street.
Paddy and Mick try this technique for the remainder of
the day, and visit
over 18 pubs in total.
''I''m tired,'' says Paddy, ''and my knees are raw from
kneeling all day. Can
we swap places next time?''
''We can''t,'' slurs Mick - the worse for wear after too
many beers, ''and
beshidesh, we losht the shoshage after the third
pub...

========================
Game project(s):
www.fiend.cjb.net

Crap... all these jokes are better than mine!

GO LEAFS GO!

US Naval Communications
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October,1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES'' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT''S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.




"Born of a Broken Man, but not a broken man."

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - History was changed forever yesterday when NASA received a transmission from an alien species. The brief message, addressed to "abuse@NASA.gov," read simply:

Humans --

Please discontinue sending stupid unsolicited transmissions
and debris to us. We have received several metallic craft bearing objects, crude drawings, and disks which play noises when scratched with crystal-tipped needles. We don''t know who "Bach" is, but tell him for us that he should consider another profession. Honestly, we receive thousands of unsolicited transmissions and craft from societies such as yourself to the point where they become a great nuisance, so discontinue this practice immediately or we will be forced to report you to your information provider or, more simply, blow up your stupid planet and all your stupid life-forms. Send your junk to the Gezor -- they have all the class and intelligence of stewed clazin.

Regards,
Elinzoa Glppaducc
Information Processing Coordinator
The Shati-Makal

NASA immediately cancelled plans to send up a time capsule
containing a CD of the Ricky Martin hit, "Livin'' La Vida Loca", and a VHS copy of "Friends."

An Irish man walks into a bar on Saint Patricks day and the asks the barman for 3 pints, the barmen says "Are you sure you want so many?" and the Irish man replies "yes, every year on Saint Patricks day me and my two brothers who live in different parts of the world always have 3 pints because we can''t be together."
The next year on Saint Patricks day the same Irish man walks into the same bar and asks the barmen for 2 pints. The barman replies "Sorry to hear about your brother", the Irish man replies "What are you saying sorry for?" the barman says "You normally have 3 drinks I thought your brother died", the Irish man says "No their both alive its just that I''ve given up drinking"

Hahahaha, I like the one right above me!!

GO LEAFS GO!

Hehe, I''ve just got to add to this thread. Here''s a good joke I heard recently:

An old lady who wants to open up an account walks into a bank. The president of the bank greets her and goes through the process of the opening of an account. "How much money will you be transferring over to us?" asks the president. "Oh, about a couple million," says the old lady. Very much impressed, he asks her,"How did you make so much money--inheritance?" "I make bets," says the lady. Now very curious, the bank president says "Ok, if you can make so much money by making bets, make a bet with me." The old lady says,"Sure, I''ll bet you $100,000 that your balls are square. The bank president was flabbergasted, but shook her hand. The bet was on. "I''ll come back tomorrow, and we''ll see who wins the bet," says the old lady.

The next day, the old lady and her lawyer walk into the bank president''s office. "Ok," says the old lady. "Drop your pants." Reluctantly, he took off his pants and showed to her that her balls were round, and quickly put his pants back on. Meanwhile, the lawyer was banging his head against the wall and the old lady was smiling. The president says,"What''s so great?? I won the bet, not you!" "Yes you won the bet between you and me, but I just bet my lawyer $200,000 that I''d have the Bank President show me his balls."